Chapter 11 – Beginning a

The dream was dark, green gold with a shimmer of smoke, the pall of opiates was thick on the air, she dreamed of the goods of the forest but it was illution, it was never as deep for her and some of those around her would not wake, she could not take that knowledge could not cope with the wind uttering their names, she shimmered in a slick sweat as her body expelled the narcotic. The animals called and she awoke to the biter chill of late spring snow, Matthews warmth was delisios and needed next to her but he was shuddering, fearful of the dream trance she turned over, would her be slippping into poppy dreams irratrevable to her? Had his lust for the truth of god sucked his soul from the mind leaving a husk like before. She shock her head it was thick with snow headache and the room was room, sublte rong but wrong, this wasn’t there room. Then the memory of the move and stolen food poored in. That didn’t explain the shacking next to her though – she turned and laid her long fingered hand on him. The shaking intensified and a sob escaped the boy. He really was all limbs, and his pale skin was mottled with the cold, blothces of white and of waxen yello. ‘Matthew?’ she whispered.

He sobbed, Matthew?’ she reapeted and he curlled up as if to push her out and away from him, creating a shield to shelf with his body. Concerned she leaned up on an elbow and looked at him. Tears had soddened the blanket and his bedcloths. She stroked him and he shuddered still more. ‘What is wrong?’ she asked bearily keeping the fear from her voice, she tried to turn him over but he just curled up further on himself. Horrified she climbed out of the bed and begain to light new candles to get some sort of warmth in the chill and bitter room, the stone floor stole warm from her.

There was a heavyness about the air that said more snow, if the weather continued like this then there would be mass starvation across the country – she wondered if she could secure them enough food to survive? ‘Matthew!?’ she whispered urgently at him. ‘please talk to me?’

‘I’m sorry.’ he whispered quietly and she climbed back onto the wooden bunk with him. Clasping him to her in a fierce hug her nails digging into his chest. ‘I’m sorry.’ he whispered again.

‘What are you sorry about?’ she asked.

‘I h.. had too..’ he whispered. Fear pierced her – had he told the Abbot she was a girl?

‘Had to what?’ she said more harshly than she had ment. The tension in her voice racked him to more sobs.

‘I had to… had to let him…’ sobs cascaded from his thin framed. Alarmed she pulled him over into an embrace.

‘The Abbot?’ she asked increduously, surely she had miss understood things?

He nodded, ‘I avoided the others, brother Francis and Brother Eric but.. ‘ tears and snot streamed from him. ‘I can’t argue! Can’t say no.’ he wailed miserably.

‘Because… becuase of me?’ she asked quietly. He nodded.

‘It hurt,’ he said quietly, his eyes focused on her for the first time, ‘it still burns, is is it like that for you when we…’ She shook her head. Anger boiled in her viens she had thought the Abbot was ok, but he was a vile hypocrite – all his talk of homosexuallity being wrong, all the warnings! Was he doing this to everyone who was having an ‘illicet’ relationship in the Abby.

‘It wouldn’t hurt so much if he wasn’t forcing you Matthew,’ she said gently. She could not let this continue. She could not let him suffer so.

‘He didn’t force me.’ he said sounding small and frightened. ‘I…’ he brokje into sobs once more. ‘Matthew!’ she cried startled. ‘He said he would put us in seperate cells, he said the choice was mine.’ bitterness twisted its way through his words. Tears burned at her own eyes.

‘Matthew, you…’ she was going to say should have said no but he was looking at her so intensly, she felt maybe that would hurt him more.

‘I.. I understand if you don’t want me anymore..’ he said dangerously quielty – she thought of the self destruction that would occur if she said that. How could she feel revoltion for him?

‘I’ll… I’ll kill him!’ she said through gritted teeth.

MAtthew shook more, ‘I’m a beast!’ he said and the force of his tears robbed him of voice, she cradled him until he threw up and then quietly cleaned things whilst he slept fitfully. Acid was a cold burn in her stomache, how could she have not seen that? How could that old man touch him! Touch his bueatiful body, hurt him like this?

Thoughts of bloody and grisly deaths she could inflict flickered through her mind. Matthew sobbed in his sleep, she clenched her fist. Tears stung her eyes he’d done this, endured this hurt for her. To be with her, the guilt pooled in her gut. How could she stay? How could she let him be used like this? And how could she go? How could she take his love and trust, take his sacrifice and throw it to the wind. He wouldn’t understand why she’d gone but she couldn’t let this happen again. His tear stained face scoured hate in her.

Things where more rotten here than she had thought.

She awoke him, they had to still go to morning vespers. He shook as she got him ready, he seemed to have lost all his strength. She took his thin high cheeked face in her hands, she wanted to say I love you but could not, it was stuck in her throught. His eyes searched her’s and she wanted to stay in that moment, she kissed him gently on the lips and bowed her head. His fingers stroked her cheek and then he rested his forehead against hers.

It was a peaceful moment but one that was not going to last, sighing they looked at each other once more and left their little cell.

Posted: Wednesday, December 15th, 2010 @ 9:14 am
Categories: PIP, Story.
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